When He Takes Control
Why It’s Hot and How to Encourage It (If that's your thing . . .)
I was talking to a friend the other day about why it is countless romance readers, though certainly not only romance readers, are obsessed with overtly dominant, alpha heroes. You know the type: the gruff, brooding billionaire, the growly protective bodyguard, the dark, commanding antihero who would burn down the world for her. These men practically stalk the pages of both historic and trending romance books of all spice levels, but the real question is: why does this particular brand of masculinity send so many readers into a collective swoon? And perhaps more intriguingly, how might that vibe translate to real-life attraction and intimacy? Because, let’s be honest, there’s something about a man who knows exactly what he wants, and isn’t afraid to take the lead.
There’s actually science behind why so many of us swoon over the broody, dangerous alpha types in romance books. It’s not simply a guilty pleasure, it’s biology. Studies in evolutionary psychology suggest that many women are subconsciously drawn to dominant, assertive men because, historically, those traits signaled strength, protection, and the ability to provide. The whole dark and dangerous but soft-for-her trope? It plays right into that primal wiring, because a man who is feared by others but tender and devoted to his partner signals the ultimate mix of power and emotional security. Studies show that traits like confidence, decisiveness, and a little unpredictability trigger dopamine and adrenaline responses, which can make (healthy) interactions with these types of men feel thrilling.
Great news. You don’t need to be dating a brooding billionaire with a tragic past to encourage a (little more realistic version) of that alpha energy in your own love life.
Remember, this is just one of many ways to explore intimacy, and it's perfectly fine if it's not your thing. Every relationship is unique, and finding what works for you is what truly matters.
If the idea of a little dominance intrigues you, it can be as simple as encouraging him to take control in small but meaningful ways, like letting him set the entire schedule for a romantic evening or experimenting with playful commands in the bedroom.
The key is keeping it a fun, open exploration rather than an intimidating shift, because at the end of the day, this isn’t about outdated gender roles or unbalanced control, but about deepening attraction, trust, and connection.
When my friend first admitted she was curious about her partner being more dominant into the bedroom, she immediately followed it up with, “But I’d feel so awkward asking for it!” And honestly? I get it.
But here’s the thing. Most men love knowing exactly what turns their partner on. The key is in how you bring it up. Instead of sitting him down for a serious, pressure-filled conversation, make it playful. A flirty comment like, “You know, I think I’d love it if you just took control one night…” or a casual, “I had the hottest daydream about you today” can spark curiosity and open the door without it feeling heavy or intimidating.
Here are some playful yet simple and effective lines to encourage your man to step into a more commanding role in the bedroom (and beyond).
The Direct Approach (Men Appreciate Clarity!)
“I love when you take control.”
“Tell me what you want me to do. I want to follow your lead.”
“You know what drives me wild? When you decide exactly how things are going to go.”
Out of the Bedroom Confidence Boosters
You look so sexy when you take charge.”
“Watching you make decisions is such a turn-on.”
“I feel so safe when you lead. It’s one of the sexiest things about you.”
Most men want to please their partner, but they also don’t want to get it wrong, which is why a little guidance wrapped in flirty encouragement can go a long way. When he sees how much you love it when he takes charge, you might just unlock a whole new side of him.
Looking for a more “hands-on” approach?